The Erica I Know

I never really got to know Erica.

I never really got to know Erica.

I knew her in fragments, passing conversations, stolen glances,
little moments that probably meant nothing to her but became memories to me.
Everything I didn’t know, my imagination quietly filled in.
After enough years, I became embarrassingly good at noticing things.

I know her favorite color is green.
I know love hasn’t always been particularly kind to her.
I know she’d rather disappear into music than into a crowd.
She’s never really been much of a social butterfly.
And somehow, I remember things I probably have no business remembering.

Her favorite food, waakye, salad with no gari,
with chicken and sausage from ▓▒░ █▓▒░▓ █▒▓░,
and a medium Coke to go with it.
I tried it once just to see what she loved about it.
I understand now.

I know the songs she reaches for when she’s sad.
I know the change in her voice when she’s tired but pretending she isn’t.
I notice the little things most people would probably overlook.
Okay… this is starting to sound less romantic
and more like evidence for a restraining order. 😂

But I noticed. That’s all I’m saying.
Quietly observing her from a distance,
long enough for observation to become affection,
and affection to slowly become habit.
Until somewhere along the way, I became addicted to the distance itself.

Because from here, she is perfect.
Not because she actually is, I know nobody is
but because distance has never allowed her to disappoint
the version of her my imagination carefully pieced together.

Part of me desperately wants to know the real her:
the annoying, unreasonable, complicated, imperfect her,
all the parts of her I had no choice but to fill in myself.
But another part fears that finally knowing her
might destroy the very thing I’ve spent years wanting.

So here I remain, somewhere between fantasy and reality,
wanting to reach for her, but afraid of what I might find
close enough to imagine,
distant enough for her to remain perfect.
Because reaching her might mean losing the version I’ve spent all these years loving.